Hey, parents, here’s a great new way for you to stalk your kids. It’s a GPS device call the “Little Buddy Child Tracker“. Finally, you’re no longer limited to stunting your child’s intellectual and emotional growth by harrassing them via text messages over their cell phone. (Every kid needs a cell phone).
Now you can pinpoint their goddamn co-ordinates on the planet’s surface, you personality disordered freaks.
Hey, folks, do you own a cell phone? Maybe you’ve got one of those snazzy smartphones like a Blackberry or an iPhone. Whatever model cell phone you use, I’ve discovered a great new “hack” that really helps you get the most out your phone. It helps family and friends stay in touch with you and increases your efficiency in business. I like to call it answering the goddamn thing!
Here’s how it works: Your cell phone rings or vibrates. You put it up against your head. You say “Hello”. This puts the person calling you, say, me for instance, into contact with you. This allows me to answer your question, address your concern, give you a vital piece of information, or otherwise communicate with you.
It shouldn’t be necessary to tell people something this obvious, but it apparently is necessary given how much trouble I have on an almost daily basis getting anybody on the phone. People don’t answer their phones. Or don’t check their voice mail. Or have a voice mailbox that’s full. Or have a voice mailbox that hasn’t been activated. Or give their cell phone to someone else so I get that someone else and not the person I’m trying to call. Or leave a number that is wrong! Folks, do you not know your own fucking phone number?! My favorite is when they leave a number that has been disconnected. Jesus Christ, people, how in hell did you call to leave me a message in the first place if your phone’s been disconnected? You must have called from another phone. Why not leave that number? Better still, why don’t you just not call me at all? That would solve everything. Morons.
